


Letters from Azkaban

by Maisie_Malfoy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Humor, Letters, Other, Out of Character, turtle meditation later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-06 00:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 19,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12806073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_Malfoy/pseuds/Maisie_Malfoy
Summary: Umbridge sets a penpal assignment to some rather odd people. Nothing will ever be the same again.





	1. The Assignment

"Okay, students," said Professor Umbridge. "This year in Defense Against the Dark Arts, we will be writing letters to Azkaban prisoners."

"Why?" demanded Ron.

"Ten points from Gryffindor. The dementors are worried they are beginning to withdraw and exclude themselves from society. By communicating with students we hope we can help them." said Umbridge. "I have already selected the prisoner you will write to."

Harry had to write to Corban Yaxley. Ron had to write to Walden Macnair. Hermione had to write to Jugson. Neville burst into uncontrollable tears when he read the name on his slip of parchment.

"Is there a problem, Longbottom?" asked Umbridge.

He nodded and cried some more.

"Longbottom's name is causing him some distress. Would someone switch with him?"

Hermione raised her hand. "I will."

After Neville had calmed down, they swapped names. Hermione read the name Neville had sobbed over and said, "Oh, poop."

"You will begin your letters in class. All letters will be sent to Azkaban this Saturday. If your letter is not finished, you will lose House points. And yes, the prisoners will be writing back to you."

X

Harry's first letter looked like this:

Dear Yaxley,

How are you? I saw a bird out the window this morning. It reminded me of you. Do you get the Daily Prophet in Azkaban? There was just a nice little article about the Muggle show My Little Pony.

Love,

Harry

Ron's letter read as follows:

Dear Walden Macnair,

How is life in Azkaban? Are the dementors treating you well? Do you want to come to our Quidditch match? It's Ravenclaw against Hufflepuff. Also, can you please break out of Azkaban and throw my brother Percy off a bridge? Things aren't well with us lately and I want to settle it ONCE AND FOR ALL!

PS: Do you want to make an Unbreakable Vow?

Ron Weasley

Neville wrote:

Jugson,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I need to know for Charms.

Signed Neville Longbottom

And Hermione wrote:

Dearest Bellatrix,

How are you? Did you remember to brush your teeth last night?

I want to take over the world. Want to help?

Anyway I've been in contact with Rita Skeeter and she wants me to ask: Are you by any chance Voldemort's...girlfriend?

My mum says that saying please can get you what you want. If I say please, will you tell me?

Next time I write I will send you a bag of uncooked rice.

Hermione J. Granger

X

"Time's up, students!" cried Umbridge. "If your letters are finished, put them on my desk. If not, have them finished by Saturday. According to the head dementor, you will have your replies by the class after next."

When they left, Harry, Ron, and Hermione talked about what they said.

"I told mine about My Little Pony." said Harry.

"I asked mine to make an Unbreakable Vow." said Ron.

"I asked mine if she brushed her teeth last night." said Hermione.

"We're nuts." said Ron.

"I know." said Harry.


	2. The Students Get Replies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The students get their first responses from their Azkaban penpals.

The students walked into the next Defense Against the Dark Arts to see envelopes on their desks. "Good morning, class." said Umbridge.

"Good morning Professor Umbridge" said the class.

"Good. Now, your letters from the Azkaban prisoners have arrived. I will allow five minutes to read your letters and during the last five minutes we will begin writing back. Do we understand? Are we even listening?"

The whole class was staring at Draco Malfoy, who was looking at his letter like it was covered in hazardous waste.

"Is there a problem, Malfoy?" she asked.

"What if they put a curse in the letter?" he asked frightfully.

"The dementors supervised them while they wrote these letters." said Umbridge. "They are not allowed to curse the letters or enclose any items. You will open a piece of mail including their letters and nothing else."

X

Harry opened his letter first. It said:

My dear boy,

Thank you for writing to me. We don't get the Daily Prophet in Azkaban. I haven't read it in years. Does Rita Skeeter still write for them? I'm a huge fan of her work.

I saw some little Muggle kids watching My Little Pony. I cursed their vellytision.

I'm not sure why you are writing to me, but I'm glad you did. I'm sure the Dark Lord will be pleased.

Your Yaxleyness,

Yaxley.

"Television" Harry muttered under his breath.

X

He heard Ron laughing next to him, "Blimey, mate, you've got to see this, it's so funny!"

The letter Ron was laughing at was as follows:

Ron,

I asked, but I have to decline your invitation to your Quidditch match.

What is your blood status?

Anyway, the Dark Lord may have let it slip that he's in a romantic relationship with a woman named Muriel. Do you know her?

I wanted to send you a widdle bunny wabbit but the dementors didn't like that idea.

Sincerely, Walden Macnair

"Your great-aunt?" Harry was disgusted.

"Oh, they broke up. Great-Aunt Muriel didn't like the idea of Nagini living with them." said Ron.

X

Neville stared at his letter like he thought it was going to eat him. When he caught Harry staring at him, he quietly read him the letter.

Good day, Neville,

Are you by any chance the son of Frank and Alice? I heard about them. That's lead to bad things in Azkaban. Last night, my bestest friend Bellatrix walked in circles for a while yelling "THE DARK LORD SAID I WAS GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT!" And then she tried to flush herself down the toilet.

I don't want to be bestest friends anymore. I want to get out and be a truck driver.

Jugson

"Sounds like Moaning Myrtle." said Ron, who overheard the whole conversation.

"A truck driver?" asked Harry. "That's a weird ambition for a Death Eater, don't you think?"

X

Hermione couldn't stop laughing. She muttered, "Make up your mind!"

"What?" asked Neville. He discreetly dropped his letter from Jugson out the window.

Filthy little Mudblood,

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because of your plans.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because you're insane and I like insane.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because what Voldemort and I are is none of your business.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I'm sore at him for dating that blood-traitor Muriel.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because you're nice to Kreacher and I'm considering eloping with him.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I lost your letter and have no idea what you said.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because Mundungus Fletcher is a right old fraud.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because my favorite number is forty-eight.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because my grandmother wanted to name me Alabama.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I think I'm a moth.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because thestrals are so pretty!

I'm really cranky because I haven't taken my nap, so I need to go do that. Don't forget to die a painful death!

Voldemort's future wife

X

"She's off her rocker." said Ron.

"No, that letter was really funny!" said Hermione. Everyone laughed at it one more time.


	3. Sanity Is Questioned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which students write back to their prison penpals. And get more replies.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville sat in the common room debating what to send back. "Who does Macnair think he is, anyway, asking my my blood status?!" demanded Ron. He shoved a Chocolate Frog in his mouth.

"That letter from Jugson was really disturbing." said Neville.

"Maybe, if she decides to make up her mind, we can be bestest friends!" said Hermione. She liked being insane. The sad part was that she never got to do it.

"Have you decided what to write back to Yaxley, Harry?" asked Ron. He offered Harry another Chocolate Frog. He declined.

"I think so."

Harry read the letter back from Yaxley. It felt weird to write to the same group that killed his parents. But then again, Yaxley didn't do that. Voldemort did. He didn't want to punish Yaxley for something Voldemort did.

By Saturday, all the fifth-year letters were finished. The owls were coming to pick the letters up during breakfast, but the students were checking for revisions.

"Should I have done 'I don't like you because you're a pureblood'?" asked Hermione.

"Probably not." said Ron. "Be original.

"Good. I really like my finished product." said Hermione. "It was kind of funny."

X

Neville's letter was very short:

Jugson,

I don't want to write to you, but is your uncle an axe murderer?

Neville Longbottom

Neville was now afraid of Jugson.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione laughed maniacally.

"Me next! Me next!" said Ron.

X

His letter looked like:

Dear Walden Macnair,

I saw a kneazle in Hogsmeade once. It asked me about you. I said I didn't know you. Maybe I can find the kneazle and tell it who you are.

I like pencils. They're used by Muggles, though. Maybe I could send you one.

I want to build a volcano in the Great Hall. You can help.

Ron Weasley.

Harry read Hermione's letter. He laughed so hard he fell off his chair and nearly into the fire. That would have hurt.

"Read us yours!" he gasped before he fainted because he laughed so hard.

X

My little flowerface,

I don't appreciate the fact that in about two years you're going to kill Dobby. Would you be interested in joining S.P.E.W? Also, would you like to borrow six Sickles and a Galleon?

There's this Muggle store called Walmart. Over the summer holidays I went there...and I got a smiley face sticker, and I thought of you!

Enclosed is the uncooked rice I promised you.

Hermione J. Granger

PS: Would you like to be bestest friends? Jugson doesn't want to anymore.

PPS: My mother wants to have you over for Christmas.

PPPS: I'm hungry

Ron laughed so hard he almost tore the letter down the middle. Hermione snatched it back. "That is NOT yours, Ron!"

X

Harry's letter was very short. He couldn't think of anything to say.

Dear Yaxley,

How are you? I'm going to Disneyland with the Weasleys. Maybe I'll bring you some ears.

Harry Potter.

"Oh, about that." said Ron. "Mum said we're going to Disney WORLD, not DisneyLAND."

"Oh." said Harry.

X

The next time they walked into Umbridge's classroom, there were once again letters on their desks. Hermione suggested that everyone swap letters and change penpals. "Just this once." she begged.

"Okay, but you better give yours to Harry or me since Neville won't want yours." said Ron. He handed Neville his letter from Macnair.

Neville gave Harry his letter from Jugson. Harry gave Hermione his letter from Yaxley. Hermione gave Ron her letter from Bellatrix.

Harry opened Jugson's letter. It wasn't even a letter. It was a T-shirt from a Lady Gaga concert.

"OMG!" yelled Harry. "This is the most brilliant gift I've ever gotten!"

"Let me see that." said Hermione. "That's ridiculous. How would he even get this shirt into Azkaban?"

X

She opened Yaxley's letter.

Dear Harry,

I'm glad to hear that. Take a picture with Goofy for me.

Sincerely,

Yaxley.

"These prisoners are sure slacking on their letters. We pour our hearts out and they write two or three sentences." said Hermione. "Sad, really."

X

Neville opened Macnair's letter.

Little Weasley,

I'm sorry, but I can't come to Hogwarts and help you do anything. The dementors said so. You don't argue with dementors.

They brought a Muggle-born in here yesterday. He had a pencil on him. We all enjoyed his pencil.

Tell the kneazle hello,

Walden Macnair.

Before anyone could reply, Ron tore open his own piece of mail. "It's another one of those 'I don't like you because you're a Mudblood' things."

X

Hermione,

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because it costs too much money to join spew.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because you sent me forty-eight grains of uncooked rice, and the food at Azkaban is terrible.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I went to Walmart on my honeymoon with Rodolphus. They didn't have smiley-face stickers.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I'm hungry too.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I'll think about being bestest friends.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I don't get out of Azkaban in time for Christmas.

Yaxley just invited me to a tea party, and I need to find my pink feather boa. Also, I can't think of anything else to say to you.

Don't forget to throw the 'Chosen One' out the window!

Under that were a bunch of illegible scribbles.

"Wow." said Harry. "She's almost as sane as I am."

"That letter was funny, mate!" said Ron, clapping Hermione hard on the back. Get another one!"

X

"Do I hear happiness over there?" asked Umbridge.

"Nope." said Neville.

"We're bored senseless." said Ron.

"Very good." said Umbridge.


	4. Hooray for Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which students write poems to their prisoners, and Neville becomes worried for a good reason.

Hermione was worried she and Bellatrix might become friends, so she raised her hand and asked if Draco Malfoy wanted to swap pen pals.

"Who'd you get, Mudblood?" asked Draco. Hermione was sadly far too used to the name to care.

"Bellatrix Lestrange." said Hermione.

"No way do I want to write to my Aunt Bellatrix! Last Christmas she sent me a rock!" whined Draco.

Harry was reminded of the average Christmas at the Dursleys.

"We are not swapping partners, Miss Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor. And ten points from Hufflepuff because I'm in a bad mood. In fact I'm in such a bad mood I'm going to go to the moon. While I'm there, work on your letters." said Umbridge. She jumped out the window into a spaceship and blasted off to the moon.

X

Harry got right to work writing to Yaxley. He'd been up all night writing him a haiku.

Yaxley,

I like red ferrets.

They dance on my windowsill.

Do you like them, too?

A haiku by Harry Potter.

X

Ron looked over Harry's shoulder. He decided to write Macnair a limerick:

There once was a man named Macnair

Who usually tripped on the stair

When he fell on his head

And was pronounced dead

They buried him in gummy bears.

A limerick by Ronald Bilius Weasley (but you may call me Ron)

X

Neville didn't want to write to Jugson, but Umbridge in a bad mood was not good for him.

He wrote a cinquain about what he saw outside the window:

Jugson,

Trevor

Bouncing, leaping

Fleeing, bolting, leaving

Playing in the lake

Friend

A cinquain by Neville Longbottom

X

Hermione wanted to write a poem too but didn't know what it should be about. How hungry she was? Her pet sheep, Lulu? There were so many ideas bouncing around in Hermione's head that the sensible thing for her to do was:

My hunger feels like an open wound

Biting, stabbing its way through my soul

I hug Lulu when I'm sad

Reminding me of when I was younger and nearly drowned in a baby pool

In a long white gown she comes towards me

A ring sparkling on her finger.

She says "Hermione, get your head out of that pool. You're hallucinating."

A poem by Hermione J. Granger

X

Later that day in the common room, Ron suddenly asked, "What will we do over the summer holidays?"

"Sorry?" said Harry.

"Will we still be able to write to them over the summer holidays?"

"I don't know. I hope so." said Hermione. "I wanted to send Bellatrix a picture of Lulu."

"Your friendship is really freaking me out." said Ron.

"I don't know why, but something about her really puts me at ease." said Hermione, staring out the window. "Maybe she can break out of Azkaban and we can go pick strawberries together."

Neville, who wasn't supposed to be listening, started crying because he thought Hermione would go be a Death Eater if Bellatrix got out of Azkaban and picked strawberries with her. He cried into the shoulder of Luna, who wasn't supposed to be there.

"When I send that poem I wrote, I'm going to send her a bag of Lays." said Hermione. "She says the food in Azkaban is awful and I just feel so bad!"

Neville was so disturbed by that comment that Luna had to take him to her common room. He definitely wasn't as friendly with Hermione as he used to be.


	5. Hermione, what are you thinking?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione gets bright ideas, and Neville catches on

Neville had been avoiding Hermione all day. If she said hi to him, he shrunk back in his seat as if he was expecting her to bite him. If she passed him the steak and kidney pie in the Great Hall, he took it but was too afraid to eat any. Mostly, he just stared at her arm to make sure she didn't have a Dark Mark.

"I wonder what's up with Neville." she said finally to Ron and Harry, after everyone else had gone to bed. "We used to get on so well, but now he won't talk to me or eat anything if I've touched it. He's not like that with you two."

"Maybe it's because you write to Bellatrix. You know what she did to his parents. We saw them in St. Mungo's, remember?" said Harry.

"He was fine with that before." said Hermione. "I should go up to bed. We're getting our letters back tomorrow and I want to see how she liked my poem."

On her way up, she passed Neville, who had come down to use the loo. He headed back upstairs. It could wait until morning.

The next day in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Umbridge seemed to be in a better mood. She took away no points from any House, and she handed everyone their letter without a word about the moon. Everyone got a letter except for Draco Malfoy.

"Professor Umbridge, I think there's a problem." said Draco, while everyone else tore open their envelopes.

"Yes, Mister Malfoy?"

"I don't have a letter."

"Who do you write to, dear?"

"I write to Dolohov, Professor."

"Well, Dolohov is sick right now with spattergroit and is in no state to be writing letters, Mister Malfoy. I will have to exempt you from your reply this week."

Draco looked sort of dejected and left out.

X

Harry,

I liked your poem. It made me think about how much I like Swiss cheese.

Do you have Swiss cheese at Hogwarts? If so, can you send me a slice?

If you will, I'll jump in front of the Dark Lord's wand next time he tries to kill you.

I will also buy you a pet monkey.

Pretty please with rainbow sprinkles on top?

Yaxley

"I've always wanted a monkey." whispered Harry. He was going to show his letter to Ron, but Ron did not look like he was in the mood.

X

You little Weasley brat,

How dare you write a poem where I died? And I HATE limericks! I hate them I hate them I hate them.

I ought to cut off all contact with you but Bellatrix is running around the room singing about great danes.

Those dementors...

Walden Macnair.

PS: Don't ever write to me about gummy bears again or I will shove your head into a milk bottle.

"THAT WAS SCARY!" yelled Ron. He ran out of the room and didn't come back.

X

Neville's letter was very short:

Dear Neville,

Trevor sounds like a great friend.

Jugson

PS: Did you like the shirt I sent you? It used to belong to my Great Aunt Viola.

X

Hermione was rather giggly, the way she always was when she got a reply from Bellatrix. It looked like:

Hermione J. Granger,

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I had a similar hallucination once.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because my foot is asleep.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because last night I really wanted a Popsicle but Yaxley was hoarding them all.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because my birthday is coming up. Rodolphus says if he can he's going to get me a puppy. I'm hoping for a toy poodle.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because last night I slept with your poem under my head and I dreamed about something happy for the first time since I was eight.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I kind of want to go to Starbucks but I know the dementors won't let me.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because I sometimes do times tables in my head.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because last night I found out there was a birdy in my hair. I wanted to keep it, but the dementors took it away. I hate the dementors and I want to flush them down the toilet.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because it's 7:23 and it's Friday. In seven minutes it's going to be karaoke night.

I don't like you because you're a Mudblood. However I like you because when I get out of here, I'm going to get a Muggle driver's license and drive a Chevy Silverado.

You can ignore the "I don't like you because you're a Mudblood" part. I really do like you. You remind me of me when I was your age. By the way, have you ever considered joining the Dark forces?

Your first response is probably to yell, "OF COURSE NOT!" but you would actually make a wonderful Death Eater. If I were you, I would think about it.

By the way, don't forget to light the so-called "Boy Who Lived" on fire tonight,

Bellatrix

X

"Just despicable!" said Hermione. "I wouldn't be a Death Eater if you paid me 45 bazillion Galleons."

"That's not a number, Hermione." said Harry.

"I know! That's how disgusted I am!" moaned Hermione.

She didn't want to say it to Harry's face, but she was actually thinking about it. She thought that if she became a Death Eater, she and Bellatrix could take turns wearing Nagini as a boa for the rest of their lives.

Neville was right to be afraid.


	6. Welcome to the Dark Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione acts on Bellatrix's suggestion.

Hermione was still seriously considering joining the Dark forces. She had grown to really like writing to Bellatrix. And it sounded like the feeling was mutual. If it hadn't been for Harry, she would have already joined. It was only a question of who Hermione liked better.

Neville was still avoiding her like the plague. Harry and Ron were a little wary, because Hermione hadn't seemed entirely convinced when she'd said she wouldn't be a Death Eater for 45 bazillion Galleons. Because next to no one was still speaking to her, she got to work on her next letter.

X

Dear Bellatrix,

I'm considering becoming a Death Eater. But I'm still on the fence. Do you think he'll mind if I'm Muggle-born if I'm extremely loyal?

I also don't have any desire to go to Azkaban or anything like that. Why bother being a Death Eater if you can't do anything?

If you were me, what would you do?

Hermione J. Granger

X

Professor Umbridge looked very happy about something when her students walked in. Only a few had letters.

"There has been a mass breakout from Azkaban." she said. "Some of your penpals were among the escaped."

Some people cheered.

"There is more. Owls can find a person anywhere. Therefore you will still have to write to your penpals. We just won't send all the letters to Azkaban. That is all. If you have a letter, please reply. If you do not have a letter, please turn to page 493 in your books." said Umbridge.

Ron and Neville opened up their books. Harry opened up a box containing a large slab of Honeydukes chocolate.

X

He wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

Thank you for the chocolate.

Tell me more about the breakout and I'll give you the cheese.

Harry Potter

X

Hermione had gotten a letter, but it didn't make her laugh like they usually did. For obvious reasons, she wouldn't show her letter to Harry. Instead, she slid into the empty seat next to Draco and showed it to him.

Dear Hermione,

I am glad to hear you're considering becoming a Death Eater. Most of us don't go to Azkaban. I contacted the Dark Lord after breaking out and he says it's fine if you want to be a Mudblood, but you have to act like a pureblood. His words, not mine.

If you decide to join us, I'll be in Hogsmeade for most of the day. Just get someone to create a diversion.

Also, on a very important note, the Dark Lord asked me to go on a date with him on Friday. If we wind up getting married, you can be a bridesmaid. You can even kill Rodolphus for me if you want. And you can help us name our firstborn.

Bellatrix.

X

"Are you going to actually do that?" asked Draco.

"You know something? I think I will." said Hermione. "Will you please create a diversion for me? If you do, I'll make sure I tell You-Know-Who, er, I guess he's the Dark Lord now, how useful you are."

Draco pointed his wand at Umbridge and said "Incendio"

The back of Umbridge's coat began to burn in a display of bright orange flames. While everyone was shouting "Aguamenti!", opening windows, or backing away from the flames, Hermione ran out the door.

X

About 9:35 P.M...

Harry and Ron ran to Dumbledore's office. Filch pointed at them and yelled, "STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS IN THE CORRIDORS!"

"Shut up!" said Ron.

When they reached the gargoyle, Harry said, "Say Yes to the Dress", Dumbledore's favorite Muggle show. It let them up.

Dumbledore was watching Say Yes to the Dress (as usual) when Harry and Ron said, "Professor! Where's Hermione?"

Dumbledore said nothing. He didn't want to talk over his show. Instead, he handed them a note.

X

The note said,

Dear Professor Dumbledore and everyone else at Hogwarts,

I have decided that I have gained enough knowledge that there is no need for me to continue my education here.

I am going to go meet Bellatrix Lestrange in Hogsmeade. When I get there, I'm going to become a Death Eater.

I must be special, because the Dark Lord said I could join, and I'm a Mudblood!

The next time you see Harry, tell him I'm not going to kill him. I'd prefer to maim or seriously injure him instead.

Love,

Hermione.

X

"NO!" yelled Ron. "Not Hermione! She wouldn't do that!"

"Not here, boys! Say Yes to the Dress is on!" said Dumbledore.


	7. Insult to Injury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione wonders if this was such a good idea, and Harry and Ron are interrogated.

Hermione's forearm felt like it was on fire. After listening to Bellatrix's 116 reasons why Hermione would make a fabulous Death Eater, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had agreed to brand her with the Dark Mark. Bellatrix had suggested she rub vegetable oil on it, but there was no vegetable oil to be found.

Hermione wondered about Harry and Ron. Were they all right? Safe? Warm? Happy? She was considering writing them to tell them about life with the Death Eaters, but it had mainly only been forearm pain and boring meetings. According to a Death Eater Hermione didn't know the name of, it would take about two weeks for her to feel normal again.

Being a Death Eater certainly wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

X

Meanwhile Harry and Ron were just confused. Hermione couldn't be a Death Eater. She was too friendly and smart and caring and Hermione to do that.

And Professor Umbridge did nothing to make them feel better.

"Hem, hem." she began, when everyone was busy playing games on their phones. When all phones were put away, she said, "It has been brought to my attention that one of your classmates, Miss Granger, has taken advantage of her opportunity to write to the prisoners and joined the Death Eaters. We will be supervising all exits and reading letters before they go out to ensure no one else does so. And we will also read their letters before we give them to you. Security and everything. Is that okay, students?"

"Yes, Professor Umbridge." said everyone but Neville.

"Go suck on a lemon." murmured Neville. He didn't want Umbridge to hear that.

When a friend of yours drops out of school to join the organization that helped bring about the destruction of your parents, it's hard to bring yourself to write to your penpal. Harry did his best to write to Yaxley in as few words as he could.

X

Dear Yaxley,

Hi. How are you doing today?

Harry.

Ron was too afraid to write much to Walden Macnair, so he just kept it short and simple too.

X

Hello Macnair,

I'm sorry I wrote that limerick. I don't know what came over me.

Do you want a pet kneazle? My friend joined the Death Eaters and left her cat so now I'm telling everyone it's a kneazle and it's for sale.

That'll be 7 Galleons.

Love, Ron.

X

Neville wrote a very short letter to Jugson:

Jugson,

Hey.

Neville.

X

And across the room, Draco Malfoy was writing something too.

Dolohov,

I hope you're over your spattergroit. And I wanted to tell you that Dad won't let me transfer to Durmstrang.

So I kicked him a few times, and he STILL said no!

I shook Mum by the shoulders and told her to go talk to him. She came back an hour later and told me he still said no!

I was so disgusted with him that I shrunk his nose.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do anything to get it?

Draco L. Malfoy.

X

"Time's up, students! Please leave your finished letters on my desk. And can I see Harry and Ron after class?" said Umbridge. Everyone put their finished letters on the desk. Harry and Ron went up to her.

"Yes, Professor?" they asked in unison.

"Oh, I just wanted to know if you had anything to do with Miss Granger's unfortunate switch to the Dark Arts."

"No!"

"We didn't even know!"

"We feel just awful!"

"Oh. Okay, boys. I hope you are telling me the truth. And if you'll excuse me I need to make an important visit to Surrey." said Umbridge. She Apparated to Surrey to go chase the Muggles around with a hair dryer.

X

Hermione wondered if someone would be writing to her now that she was a Death Eater. Maybe Harry or Ron would write to her. Maybe they would understand. Someone would have to tell her parents why she wasn't coming home for the spring holidays. Someone would have to feed Crookshanks. Bellatrix had told her to bring only her wand, a spare outfit or two, and unwavering loyalty to the Dark Lord, so she'd left Crookshanks at school. Hermione missed him.

Rolling over on the tiny cot in between a couple other teenage Death Eaters Hermione didn't know, she hoped things would be better in the future. After all, she could defect, but she'd die.


	8. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bellatrix gets married, Harry and Ron show up, and Hermione and Draco may or may not get together.

Hermione's bridesmaid's dress was itchy and a bad shade of green. She felt kind of sorry for Draco, who had to be the ring bearer. At least all she had to do was stand around with some flowers and make sure the bride didn't trip over her dress.

"Mum, I don't want to be the ring bearer! I'm almost sixteen!" whined Draco.

"Nonsense! Aunt Bellatrix didn't have a ring bearer at her first wedding because you weren't born, and why deny her one a second time." said Draco's mum. The first wedding had been really hurried and thrown together because Bellatrix had been more interested in trying to pick things up with her ears, which was the only reason she didn't complain about her own ugly dress.

All three of them were glad they weren't Lucius. He was supposed to wipe up all the bird poo from the 10,000 doves that were about to be released.

X

Umbridge had told all the non-Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born students in fourth-year and above to put on their dress robes because they were going to be in attendance, but they didn't know it yet.

"Why are we in dress robes?" asked a Slytherin sixth-year.

"Because the darkest witch and wizard we've ever known are getting married!" Umbridge said excitedly.

"That's not our fault." said a Huffllepuff fourth-year.

"Why do we care if they get married? I've never met either of them!" said Ron.

"Ron!" Harry had realized something. "D'you know who might be at the wedding? Hermione!"

"Why would Hermione go to a Death Eater wedding?" asked Ron.

"Well, Ron, who recently became a Death Eater, oh, I don't know, a month or two ago?"

Neville, by the way, was not coming to the wedding. He was with Madam Pomfrey after drinking the wrong potion by accident, but he'd asked Harry and Ron to tell him whether or not Hermione was there. The non-Neville students formed a line and marched out of the Great Hall.

X

Harry had Polyjuiced into a plump, round-faced third year girl with strawberry blonde hair for his own protection, and he/she was sitting next to Ron. They could see Lucius with a handkerchief, his wife discreetly eating a banana behind her hand, and Lord Voldemort in a suit. The very thought was so un-Voldemort that Ron tried not to laugh. The suited villain was talking to Lucius, and Harry wondered what the handkerchief was for.

Then a huge group of male Death Eaters all wanted to walk Voldemort's bride down the aisle, and by the time Bellatrix was half shoved by Peter Pettigrew down the aisle and tripped over her dress, and Hermione had burst in after her to try to prevent that from happening a second time and Fred Weasley had tripped her, causing her to fly directly out of her shoes, everyone was now fully entertained. After all, it's hard to watch someone trip on her dress and not find it amusing.

At one point Luna whispered something to Hermione, who whispered something to Draco, who promptly threw the ring over his shoulder and said, "Oops."

When someone finally found it, Narcissa yelled at Draco for dropping the ring on the floor, at which point Draco threw down his pillow and stomped away. He was sick and tired of the wedding, and it wasn't even over yet.

After Crabbe was brought in as the replacement ring bearer, and a short, weary wizard finally pronounced Voldemort and Bellatrix husband and wife, and Lucius had properly cleaned all the bird poo, the newlyweds Apparated to Barbados for their honeymoon, so Umbridge escorted the students back to Hogwarts. It had definitely been an eventful day.

"Did you see when she tripped over her dress?" the seventh-years said to one another.

"Did you see the Malfoy kid throw the ring over his shoulder?" the sixth-years said to one another.

"Did you see Lucius Malfoy get pooped on by all those birds?" the fifth-years said to one another.

"Did you see the bridesmaid fall out of her shoes?" the fourth-years said to one another.

X

After the wedding had been cleaned up, Hermione found Draco sitting behind a Dumpster.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know, just, uh, stuff." said Hermione. "Mind if I sit here?"

"Have you ever even sat behind a Dumpster before?" asked Draco.

"Well, no. But there's a first time for everything." said Hermione. They didn't say any more, but it was enough just to sit there.


	9. Watch Out for That Monkey!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yaxley fails to get Harry's monkey, Draco is sent a party dress, and Ron corresponds with Hermione.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, this chapter is dedicated to Amycus Carrow. Because...I feel like it.

Harry and Ron seriously wished Umbridge wouldn't make them write letters anymore. How were either of them to know the other one wouldn't go join the Death Eaters? After all, Hermione did.

So, after he'd finished his letter to Macnair, Ron took out some parchment and wrote a letter to her.

X

Dear Hermione,

I don't know why you joined the Death Eaters, but what's done is done. You can't very well back out now, can you?

But I was kind of curious, so can you tell me what it's like on the other side? If you'll tell me, I'll figure out a way to get Crookshanks to you.

Also, if you swear you'll never let it slip to Harry, I'll still be your friend. If you want.

Your friend (I hope),

Ron B. Weasley

X

"Students," Umbridge sounded like she was going to give a huge announcement. "Someone wrote to someone who is not on my list. I demand to know who wrote to a Death Eater by the name of Hermione Granger."

Neville, who was very sensitive about the whole Hermione incident, ran out of the room and drank a gallon of strawberry milk.

Ron didn't want to tell Umbridge he wrote to Hermione. At the same time, he wanted to hear a reply.

Finally, Draco of all people raised his hand and said, "Well, while we were at the wedding, I told her I'd keep her posted about what was happening at Hogwarts. So I wrote to her. Does this mean I don't have to write to Dolohov anymore?"

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, don't write to her again, and you do have to write to Dolohov. By the way, she wrote back."

X

Harry had a surprise letter from Yaxley.

Dear Harry,

I talked to the Dark Lord and he told me not to jump in front of his wand.

And, one more thing, I sent Lucius and Bellatrix to the store to buy your monkey, but they couldn't find one.

So, we conjured one, but it messed up headquarters and I don't think you'd want it.

So I'm going to need a rain check on that monkey,

Yaxley

X

Ron hadn't been able to think of much to say to Macnair, so he'd sent him a lollipop and a box of Honeydukes chocolates.

Ron,

Thank you so much for the candy. I even forgive you for that limerick you wrote!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

W. Macnair

X

Neville got a package from Jugson. Instead of a letter he opened a package of Eggo waffles.

He threw them out the window.

Dolohov had sent Draco a party dress that used to belong to his sister, Tatiana Dolohov. He gave it to Umbridge when no one was looking.

Ron snuck over and stole the letter from Draco and hid it from Harry. The one from Hermione, that is.

X

Dear Ron,

Being a Death Eater is very...interesting. The other day at headquarters a monkey jumped on my head. That very morning Bellatrix had all the newest recruits go to a yoga class. It was easy to get into the poses, but I couldn't get out!

It's never a dull moment around here.

By the way, I showed Bellatrix a picture of Lulu and now we might go to my house over the summer holidays and visit her.

I'd be glad to be your friend. I mean, if you still want to.

Please tell Harry this isn't anything personal against him, but I frankly feel that your side has no hope of winning. Sometime I want to see him and tell him everything. Plus maybe I can feed you info (Kindly burn this letter so the Dark Lord NEVER finds out!)

Love from Hermione

PS: Would you like to borrow six Sickles and a Galleon?

X

"Who's that letter from?" asked Harry.

"From my mum." Ron lied.

"Oh, okay." said Harry. "Want to head down to the Quidditch pitch and fly around for a little while? If you'll nick a broom for me."

"Let's go." said Ron. "But there's a poetry reading in Hogsmeade I want to sneak out and go to, so let's end this before seven."

"It's eleven forty-five." said Harry.

They set off for the Quidditch pitch only to run into a group of first-year Hufflepuffs who were sitting in the stands and putting on makeup.


	10. The Death Eater Play (and the monkey)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione rehearses for the Death Eater play, and Harry still does not have a monkey.

Harry and Ron were sick of all the letter writing. Neville thought he might drop out of Hogwarts if he had to write one more letter.

"I don't want to write to Yaxley. Now I don't know when I'm getting a monkey." whined Harry.

"I wish Macnair would make up his mind whether he likes me or not." said Ron.

"I'm never writing to Jugson again, no matter what." said Neville.

"Maybe we should overthrow Umbridge." said Ron.

"Nope. Too risky." said Harry.

X

Luckily, Harry had already written to Yaxley, because he didn't know when he was going to feel like it again.

Dear Yaxley,

I' m sorry you can't jump in front of his wand. Would you like some jam to make up for it?

Also, I talked to Draco, and he says his father never went to the store because he and Bellatrix stopped at an arcade instead.

He says they had a dance battle that went on for eight hours.

I'd like that monkey very soon, please.

Harry

 

X

 

While Harry dropped off his letter in the box outside Umbridge's classroom, Hermione was trying to memorize her lines for the annual Death Eater play.

"It's a bright, sunny day in Texas this morn." she said, reading over her script.

"No, no ,no, no. Why are you so happy about it being bright and sunny? You're a Death Eater, not some dewy-eyed schoolgirl!" complained Avery. Hermione had noticed that her fellow Death Eaters mainly only liked to complain about how terrible she was at it.

"It's a bright, sunny day in Texas this morn." Hermione tried again in an angry tone.

"Perfect. Keep going."

"The birds are singing, and the church bells are ringing, and it all just makes me sick." Hermione finished, spitting on the ground.

"Cheer up, my dear," said Lucius, who did not like having to say "my dear" to a Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born. "There's a thunderstorm rollin' in around three."

"Well, I should hope so, popkins." said Hermione, who was disgusted she had to call Lucius "popkins".

"What are you all standing around for?" demanded Bellatrix, in a really bad American accent. "This little lady needs to feed my horses, and someone else I know needs to slop the pigs."

Hermione noticed Avery didn't yell at anyone else.

"Very nice. We'll pick up here tomorrow." said Avery.

Hermione wondered if she might be able to sneak Harry and Ron tickets to the play. Either that, or she needed to sabotage it.


	11. Merry Christmas, Neville

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione writes back to Ron, and the Death Eaters rehearse their play.

Usually Yaxley didn't get back as soon as he did when it came to letter-writing, but Harry had one the next day.

And it said:

Dear Harry,

I'd say yes to the jam, but I'm worried Wormtail would eat it.

If you could find a way to get it to me, I'd appreciate that.

I just had the Dark Lord yell at Lucius and Bellatrix for going to the arcade, but I hear they want to go do it again.

Did Draco tell you who won the dance battle?

I'll try to get you your monkey really soon.

Love,

Yaxley

X

Ron had written three letters to Macnair but hadn't had one back, so he stopped. Mostly he wrote to Hermione. One day she sent him something back.

Dear Ron,

I'm sorry I couldn't answer your last two letters earlier, but I've been to seventeen orientations in three days. This one guy kept yelling at me, "What are you doing? That's not how you torture a Muggle!" It may not be how you torture a Muggle, but it's definitely how you torture a Squib.

The torturing is my least favorite part. But today I got to play UNO with Bellatrix and it reminded me why I joined in the first place.

I lost, but she kept vanishing her cards. Oh well.

That aside, I have a serious personal problem. I think I'm married to one of the Carrows. If it turns out I am, save me!

Love, Hermione J. Granger.

P.S: Here are two tickets to the Death Eater play. Bring Harry. DO NOT be late.

X

Ron knew he had to get Harry on board somehow. They needed the cloak.

"Hey, Harry, there's this great play tomorrow at eleven at night, and I wanted to know if you'd want to go." said Ron.

"I don't know. I'll have to see how much homework I have." said Harry.

"If you don't have too much, let's try and sneak out of the Floo Network. I've already got two tickets."

"Where you two going?" asked Neville, dumping a bucket of paint into the fireplace.

"Nowhere, Neville. Merry Christmas." said Harry.

"What he said."Ron repeated.

X

"Okay! Emergency rehearsal! Last scene, from the top." announced Avery.

"But, Aunt Mabel, I love him! Can't you see I love him?" said Hermione.

"I don't care if you love him or not, I won't have you marry such a scumball piece of filth." Hermione wished Bellatrix would drop the bad American accent, but knew she wouldn't.

"He's my world, Aunt Mabel. And if you won't let me marry him, then I'll run away." Hermione thought midnight was a bad time for an emergency rehearsal, and as such, she couldn't stop yawning.

After the third time Avery fell asleep, he broke up the emergency rehearsal, much to everyone's relief. Hermione prayed Ron and Harry would come. She could explain everything then.


	12. It's Raining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Death Eaters put on a play, and weather happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 hits? Yay!

Ron had gotten another letter from Hermione.

Dear Ron,

I am not married to Amycus Carrow. What a relief!

Also, do you think you could sabotage the play for me? I'd do it myself, but I'm far too busy.

Tell Harry that I say hi, and that I miss him very much, and that Bellatrix needs some Listerine.

Love, Hermione.

X

"Who's that from?" asked Harry.

"No one. Macnair wrote back."

"Oh. Yaxley had to go somewhere for a few days, and he told me to write back when he returns."

"I'm sick of writing to Jugson." whined Neville.

After Hermione had joined the Death Eaters, the whole assignment had sort of lost its appeal. After all, what if someone else joined them too?

"It's May now. We're almost done with the year. We won't have to write to them much longer." Ron assured Neville.

"I think I'll still write to Yaxley, though. I kind of like him." said Harry.

X

Later that night, Ron and Harry went under the Invisibility Cloak and went to the play. Ron was fully prepared. He had brought a large supply of Dungbombs should the need arise.

"Why are we randomly going to a play?" Harry asked.

"I just thought we needed a break, mate." Ron replied. They sat down in the third row. Ron unraveled himself from the cloak, but Harry remained under it.

"They didn't come," was the first thing Hermione thought when she scanned the audience for their faces. Brushing her hair out of her eyes and pulling her sleeve over her Dark Mark, she went out onto the stage.

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." she said, looking into Lucius's eyes, and hoping he'd go with her little charade.

"Peter Piper lives over in the next town, darlin'." While Lucius said that, Hermione handed him a sparkler.

"But he's coming here! And he's brought Muggle weapons!" Hermione said.

"RUN!" yelled Lucius. He and the rest of the cast (except Hermione) ran off the stage.

Hermione talked to the audience for a while about UFOs. Then she left the stage and dragged in Bellatrix.

"Do something!" Hermione told her.

With a flick of her wand, Bellatrix made it rain. It later also began snowing, sleeting, hailing, thundering, and a sandstorm was beginning before Hermione grabbed her by the hand and pulled her off the stage.

"I'm so sorry about that." Avery said. "Make sure you pick up your refunds on the way out."

Hermione took Ron by the hand and pulled him into the ladies' room. "Um, Hermione, this is the ladies'."

"I know. I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry I left without any sort of warning. If it weren't for all the little happenings we keep getting, I'd defect right now, change my name to Gigi Miller, and move to Australia. But I do want you to tell Harry that sometime over the summer holidays I'd like to see him. Just once." Hermione took off her shoe in order to adjust her rolled-up sock.

"I forgive you. We can use you as a spy." said Ron.

"Not quite yet. I've got to work my way up first. How's Crookshanks?"

"Eh. He misses you."

"I miss him too. I'd like to see him."

"I'll bring him to you. Someday. Maybe you can stay at our house for a few days."

"Ron, I'm a Death Eater."

"Mum and Dad don't read the Daily Prophet anymore. I don't see another way they would find out."

"What if they threw me out on my belly?"

"They won't. I won't let them."

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione threw her arms around him.


	13. Envelopes Full of Jam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ron wants a puppy, and Neville switches penpals with Draco.

Yaxley was back from his trip.

So Harry wrote to him during History of Magic.

Dear Yaxley,

How was your trip?

Why would you make the Dark Lord yell at them? I think they should go have another dance battle and I want to come.

They can even have it at Hogwarts.

I think Draco said the score kept going back and forth but he's pretty sure Lucius was winning when they got kicked out.

I think I might be able to conceal some jam in the envelope. Eat it as soon as you get it.

It's been a month and I still don't have a monkey. What's up with that? The Dark Lord would want you to give me a monkey.

Love, Harry James Potter.

P.S: Wizards suck at middle names. My parents couldn't think of ONE thing that wasn't my dad's name?

X

"What's that for?" Ron asked.

"It's my letter for Yaxley." said Harry.

"What's that in it?"

"It's jam. He wanted some but thought Wormtail would eat it."

"I forgot to write to Macnair."

"So?"

"We have Umbridge next class!"

"Tell him he should go to the doctor."

So Ron wrote:

Dear Walden Macnair

Do you prefer Walden, Macnair, or Walden Macnair? I think you said, but I lost the last letter.

Will you please ask Bellatrix if she has a chain-saw? If she does, send it to me. She shouldn't have a chain-saw.

I'm glad you liked the candy. It cost more Galleons than I had.

I really want a puppy. Do you think my mum will spring for a puppy if I get my brothers and sister involved? You can help us name it.

Have you had all your shots? You could get a really contagious virus and kill all the Death Eaters! Do you want that?

Sincerely, Ron "Raccoon" Weasley. Do you like my new nickname?

X

Neville and Draco had switched penpals. He didn't think Dolohov was as scary. After all, if Neville and Hermione were allowed to switch earlier, why not?

He wrote,

Dearest Dolohov

I don't know you so well. Draco and I switched, so now I write to you! Yay!

Do you like to go by your first or last name? It tends to go either way with you Death Eaters.

I'm hungry. Would you by any chance have any fortune cookies?

I don't like anything they serve in the Great Hall, so I throw my plates away untouched.

Can you tell Hermione Granger's BFF I would like to maim or seriously injure her for what she did to my parents? If you do, I will buy you a wooly mammoth.

Pretty please?

Neville Longbottom.

Lucius really didn't like Jugson. At all. Draco couldn't think of anything nice to say to him. All he said was this:

Jugson,

I like mashed potatoes, ham, and jelly beans, but not all on one plate.

Draco Malfoy.

X

Neville was starting to feel better about the project now.


	14. No Breakfast for Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hermione brings her penpal to visit her parents, and Harry eats an apple for breakfast.

The summer holidays had arrived. Harry wrote as often to Yaxley as he did Sirius, although Sirius didn't like to hear about Harry drawing on Dudley's face with lipstick. Yaxley, however, was fully entertained by this and often begged for Harry to do it again.

In fact, that featured prominently in the first letter he got. It read,

Dear Harry,

Please continue to draw on your cousin with lipstick.

My trip went well, thank you. I was in China. Enclosed are some really, really old eggs. They're like 10 minutes old. Or 15 days. Or a lot of years. I don't really care. Enjoy.

I won't spoil anything, but I will tell you that I talked to the two of them about the dance battle.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the jam. I loved it more than I've ever loved anything in my life.

I'm very angry. I went to the zoo and stole you a monkey. I was going to send it to you in a nice gift-wrapped box, but then Dolohov just had to try and use it as a bath pouf and it fled out the window. Niiiice.

Love, Your Yaxleyness.

P.S.: If I can make a suggestion, you could be Harry I-Ate-Too-Much-Broccoli Potter.

Harry decided to sleep on it.

X

Ron was no longer writing to Macnair, and Draco was forbidden to write to Jugson. So Neville was the only one still in correspondence with his penpal.

He didn't tell his grandmother and his parents fell asleep whenever he tried to discuss it with them, but Neville liked writing to Dolohov. He always sent Neville a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

One day, while Augusta was out shopping, Neville noticed a letter from his penpal. It read

Neville,

I'm glad you write to me now. All Draco ever did is whine about how much he wanted to go to Durmstrang. Who cares?

I'll go by either name. It doesn't even matter anymore. But do not call me Snookums.

Bellatrix ate all my fortune cookies. The Dark Lord didn't believe me when I said I didn't hex her.

I think I'm going to shave my head. It would make me feel better if you shaved yours too.

Neville, I tried to tell her, I really did, but I don't think she heard me, because she was unconscious due to someone that wasn't me hexing her.

Now can I please have my mammoth?

Antonin Dolohov.

X

A few days later, Hermione visited her parents. She had convinced Bellatrix to stay outside with Lulu, who tried to lick her face.

"Hi Mum." she said "Hi Dad."

"Hermione!"

"How was Hogwarts?"

"How are your friends?"

"Was the food good?"

"Where was the field trip this year?"

"Are you still writing to those prisoners?"

"Good, good, yes, the mountains, and some people do, but we don't have to. I don't write to mine anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because she's outside."

Needless to say, the Grangers were taken aback. "Here? At our house? Hermione."

"Mum, she begged me to let her come."

"Get rid of her, Hermione."

Hermione walked outside to find Bellatrix braiding her hair and eating Cream of Wheat while Lulu painted her toenails. She remembered when she spent her whole summer teaching her sheep to do this.

"Bella, you're going to have to leave."

"That's Bellatrix to you. Just because I got you in doesn't mean we can ditch the formalities."

"Anyway, I accidentally told my parents you were here and you're going to need to leave."

"But I love Lulu."

"I have a fun idea. How about you cut that rope over there and take Lulu with you, and we can blame it on the neighbors. I don't see her enough."

"We can't. I accidentally-on-purpose killed a Muggle last night."

"And this means you can't steal a sheep?"

"The Dark Lord doesn't like sheep."

"Oh, all right."

Hermione poked her head through the door. "Mum and Dad, I'm overstaying my welcome and I should probably leave. I'll come back in a few weeks. Bye" And before they could protest or force a cup of tea on her, she unexpectedly seized Bellatrix from behind and they Disapparated.

X

Eventually, the Dursleys refused to give Harry breakfast until he wrote to Sirius, so he did.

He just wrote what was on his mind at the time, which was:

Dear Sirius/Padfoot/Snuffles,

Please just pick one, okay?

My aunt Petunia told me I can write to you or I can go without breakfast so I decided to write to you because I'm hungry.

My cousin Dudley tried to propose to his friend Piers last night, so I make him kiss Mrs. Figg.

Did you know Hermione joined the Death Eaters? I haven't seen her since.

Do you think she could defect if I made pancakes for all the Death Eaters? You could help. I know you like pancakes.

I shaved my uncle Vernon's mustache and blamed it on his sister Aunt Marge, who isn't even my real aunt.

The Dursleys won't let me listen to Christmas music because they say you don't do that in July. This is the very reason why I hate them.

Harry who-really-needs-to-go-eat Potter

X

For all that the Dursleys gave him an apple. Harry decided he officially hated Muggles.

Little did he know the Muggles loved him.


	15. Surprises All Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a baby is born, someone is engaged, and someone wakes up from a coma.

Everything probably would have been fine if a particular relative of Harry'sdidn't have a baby.

Everything probably would have been fine if Percy didn't announce he was engaged.

Everything probably would have been fine if Rodolphus didn't wake up from the coma Hermione put him in when she didn't have the heart to kill him.

Everything definitely would have been fine if these hadn't happened on the same day.

Hermione was woken up by Lucius banging on her door and yelling, "He's back!"

"Who is?" she moaned sleepily, pulling her Cookie Monster nightgown over her head and forcing her limbs into a sweater she doubted was hers.

"Rodolphus is, you twit." Hermione did not appreciate being called a twit, and made a mental note to cut his hair in the middle of the night and blame it on his wife.

The girl who owned the purple sweater tapped Hermione's shoulder. "You can have it back." she said.

"No, I don't want it back. I was just asking you what that mark is on your stomach."

"You mean this? It's a tattoo. I got it last week." said Hermione. It was a duck.

"Well, I like it."

When Hermione went to see if there was any breakfast left, she noticed there was only one orange. She was peeling it when someone tapped her shoulder.

"You wanna give me some of that?" Rodolphus asked her.

"Um, no thanks." Hermione thought he needed a shave, but that might have been the fact that he'd been in a coma for six months.

"You put me in a coma, little girlie. You owe me!"

Hermione was so startled by his use of "little girlie" that she handed him half right on the spot.

She felt like telling someone about him, so she walked through the halls until she found Bellatrix knitting a hat.

"Do you need something?"

Right then, Hermione thought about Ron. Even now, she couldn't say why. She could only mutter, "Code three in housewares." before running away.

So she wrote him a letter:

Ron,

How are you. It's almost time to go back to Hogwarts, isn't it?

Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone just said what they meant?

Ron, something terrible happened. When I was younger I rode a bus to Muggle school. The driver died last night.

I wanted to cry, but there were too many Death Eaters around, so I cried inside my head.

Anyway, there's a code three in housewares. I need to go buy a new pogo stick. Mine broke. Boohoo.

Bye,

Hermione.

X

Ron was reading this letter at the Burrow and playing Frisbee with the chickens while his Patronus was teaching itself to beatbox. He agreed that everything would be better if everyone just said what they meant.

Then Percy Apparated there and yelled, at the top of his voice, "I'M ENGAGED! ALL OF YOU OUT! THIS IS MY HOUSE!"

Sitting in a hotel room, Ron changed his mind.

X

Harry had written to Ron, Hermione, Yaxley, Sirius, Cho Chang, Mrs. Figg, Voldemort, Draco, and Cedric Diggory's surviving family to tell them the news.

The news was unbelievable. In a good way. Harry's nosy, sniffy Aunt Petunia had had a baby. The kind that looked like a person, and not a beach ball in a bonnet. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

The baby was born looking like Petunia. Now she had red hair. Like Lily.

She was a Metamorphmagus.

Of course, Petunia insisted everyone was looking at her wrong, but even Vernon saw through that one. After asking Harry furiously if he had cursed the baby, Vernon ran out of the room and hasn't been seen since.

They named her Annika. Harry picked that, after threatening to drop out of Hogwarts and turn Petunia into a three-headed gecko.

Dudley was still in shock and his nose was rapidly getting smaller, so Petunia sent him and Harry away.

The last time Harry saw little Annika L. Dursley that day, her hair was a deep turquoise color.


	16. Things Draco Likes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius breaks his foot, Ron and Ginny stay in a hotel, and Lucius does cartwheels.

On the last day of summer, Harry got a letter from Sirius.

All it said was,

Harry,

No, you cannot wear blue eyeshadow to Hogwarts.

Please tell your aunt congratulations on her daughter's birth. I don't know if you've seen your uncle since then, but congratulate him too.

Yesterday the tapestry was looking at me funny. I kicked it, but I broke my foot. Ouch.

Snuffles.

X

Harry had not seen Uncle Vernon since the birth of Annika, whose favorite hair color seemed to be Lily's. Petunia didn't know if she liked this or not.

"Annika, please don't go around with red hair, my dear." Petunia tried to say.

Annika just gurgled.

X

He also got a letter from Yaxley, which read,  
Harry,

I think it would be really fun if we went to a water park.

You know what else I would love? If the Dark Lord got a hat. The kind with the earflaps.

Anyway, I really think you should lipstick your cousin just once before you go. Please tell me how Hogwarts is.

Thank you for the birth announcement. I haven't gotten one of those in 14 years.

Anyway, I wish it wasn't so cold today. I wanted to polish my goat.

Love, Yaxley

P.S: If you have time, I'd like to keep writing to you during the school term, if you don't mind.

He didn't have time to reply, seeing as Aunt Petunia was dragging the family to the circus and she didn't trust Harry to stay home.

X

Ron was so bored at the hotel that he enlisted Ginny's help in keeping himself entertained.

"I have an idea." she said. "Let's order room service...from the hotel across the street."

While Ron did that, she decided to board the elevator and check that other guests met the height requirements. Where her finding out about his penpal assignment came in, he wasn't sure.

"What was that for?" she inquired.

"We had to write to Azkaban prisoners last year." he said. "Mine hardly ever wrote back. I think Harry still writes to his."

"Are we going to have to write to them this year?" Ginny asked. She hoped not.

"I don't know. Hermione joined the Death Eaters because of it."

"That's awful, Ron!" She patted him on the head and went to go dig up the bushes outside the hotel.

No one knows exactly when he decided to get Hermione's help in reclaiming the Burrow. But it might have been then.

X

Hermione, meanwhile, was wishing she was going off to Hogwarts this year. But all she had to look forward to that day was Bellatrix taking her to Red Lobster. Hermione loved Red Lobster, but it just wasn't Hogwarts.

In addition, she had to deal with Lucius singing his new favorite song incessantly.

"Draco likes bowling, Draco likes cartwheels, Draco likes fire!"

She doubted Draco actually liked any of those things.

Hermione wished he would quit singing it, but he wouldn't.

Instead of begging to go to Hogwarts, Hermione tried to teach her Dark Mark to fetch. It did not cooperate.

So she wrote a letter. Not to Ron.

Dear Harry,

How are you? We haven't talked in forever!

Listen, me joining the Death Eaters was nothing personal against you. I just wanted to talk to my penpal in person. I still like her. Unfortunately I don't like the others as much.

If you see Draco, tell him to tell his father to stop singing about him liking weird things.

Anyway, Bellatrix and I are going to Red Lobster the first day of term. Do you like to eat there? I never asked before. Sorry!

If you don't ever want to see me again, I understand. But if you do, just send me an owl and I'll meet you in Hogsmeade.

Your friend (maybe),

Hermione.

As she painted her nails before bed, Hermione hoped a teeny little part of Harry would want to see her.


	17. Two Death Eaters Go to Red Lobster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry goes back to Hogwarts and Bellatrix takes Hermione out to eat.

At the insistence of Sirius, Harry didn't wear blue eyeshadow to Hogwarts. Of course, that didn't mean he didn't want to. He tried to send Sirius a sympathy card for his foot, but instead decided to send him one of Aunt Petunia's cocktail dresses to use as a tablecloth. After all, who wanted a boring old card when you could have a gift?

He couldn't buy waterpark tickets and neither could Yaxley, so that was out of the question now that he was on the Hogwarts Express. He was sitting with Neville, who had largely stopped talking to him and Ron, Luna, who was eating a salad of plums, beets, and dumplings, Ginny, who had Spell-o-taped marbles to her ears and claimed they were earrings, and a plump, red-faced second year no one knew.

All of them (except the second year) had formed a heavy metal band over the summer holidays and seemed more interested in that than talking to Harry, and he was glad he had Yaxley to write to. And maybe Hermione, except he couldn't find the letter she had written him. More than likely it was in the tub of basilisk venom he kept under the loose floorboard.

"I saw a Muggle yesterday." Luna commented, when Ron and Ginny went to try and dangle each other out of the train windows.

"Did you like them?" Harry asked.

"Yes, quite a bit. They didn't understand the Quibbler though." Luna reached into her bag. "Quibbler?"

"Thank you." When Harry opened it, it turned purple and began squawking.

"Oh, that's the deluxe Quibbler! Would you like the regular one?" Luna asked.

"No thank you. So how's the heavy metal band going?"

"Okay, thank you. We still need a name. They can't agree on anything."

"Maybe it'll come to you."

Harry really didn't feel like talking to Luna. That salad she'd had made her breath smell really weird.

X

Meanwhile, Hermione and Bellatrix were at Red Lobster. Hermione loved Red Lobster, but today she didn't feel much like eating.

"Something wrong?" Bellatrix then took an overlarge sip of water and it was now coming out of both her mouth and nose.

"I wish I was at Hogwarts!" she admitted.

"Why would you want to go to that Mudblood-infested dump?"

"Hello? I am a Mudblood!"

"Oh, right." Bellatrix had a bad habit of forgetting that, and Hermione doubted it was accidental.

"Is it too late to do that?"

"Not necessarily. We could always Side-Along Apparate or take a Portkey or something. But I won't. We need you here. Also, if you abandoned the Death Eaters to go to Hogwarts I would probably kill you."

Hermione sighed and picked up her fork. She knew this battle was lost.


	18. The Goblins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bellatrix elopes with a house-elf, and Ron and Harry have a spat over Yaxley.

Pretty much every Death Eater knew that Voldemort had only gotten married because he had read in a magazine that any respectable Dark Lord should have a wife. There were times this was a good thing, as he could do things like have Bellatrix make him his favorite snack, lime and bacon sandwiches, or attempt to make him a nose, and all he had to do was put up with five minutes of uncomfortable snuggling afterwards.

But sometimes it wasn't such a good thing, like when he went to get into the shower and saw a note stating his wife had eloped with a house-elf.

Now being Voldemort and the most evil wizard who had ever lived, he screamed, punched his Death Eaters, and set an entire Muggle town on fire. What was her problem? He had allowed her to call him Voldemort two times a month. He had actually snuggled with her, and he was the Dark Lord and did not snuggle.

X

Meanwhile, Harry had a free period and was writing to Yaxley:

Dear Yaxley,

I'm sorry we couldn't go to that water park. I couldn't get tickets.

There's a hat shop in Hogsmeade. Maybe if I bought it you could get him to wear it?

I only had time to lipstick him a little bit. Sorry.

I'm glad you liked the birth announcement. When I left she looked just like me, but without the glasses.

Maybe over the winter holidays I could help you polish your goat.

Please find enclosed two Knuts for your Jelly of the Month club,

Harry J. Potter

After all, why do Transfiguration homework when you can write to a Death Eater?

"Who are you writing to?" asked Ron, who had come up behind Harry.

"Yaxley. Why?"

"You know we don't have to write to them anymore, right? I don't write to Macnair anymore."

"I know. I wrote to Yaxley all summer and I'm going to keep writing to him until I don't feel like it anymore."

Ron gave Harry an odd look and left. Harry went to the Owlery and handed Yaxley's letter to Hedwig.

X

Meanwhile Voldemort had sent Hermione, Lucius, and the Carrows to go find Bellatrix and bring her back. They went to the only place any of them could think of: 12 Grimmauld Place, and were arguing over who should knock on the door.

"I should. She's my sister-in-law." said Lucius, who usually did whatever he could to deny that fact.

"No, I should. I came here once." contributed Alecto. "I forget what happened next, but I woke up in a lot of pain."

"Quit bickering, all of you!" Hermione yelled, and without warning knocked on the door.

It opened to reveal Sirius standing in the doorway begging Kreacher for something.

"Hello Hermione. I heard about your, ah, unfortunate little switch. Please tell me the password, Kreacher!"

"Kreacher did not set the password. Master is always demanding things of Kreacher that Kreacher does not know."

"Please do come in. Bring your friends. Then who did set the password?"

Hermione beckoned everyone forward and, when no one else did, handed out assignments, "I'll check Kreacher's cupboard. Someone can go check upstairs, and everyone else can check the main floor."

Lucius lost their game of rock-paper-scissors, so he had to hike up the stairs and look in all the bathtubs. And by all the bathtubs, we refer to every single one of the six upstairs bathtubs.

"Why does anyone need this many bathtubs on one floor?" he thought on several different occasions.

Meanwhile Sirius was wondering why the Carrows were destroying his kitchen. Like a normal person in his situation, he asked, "Why are you destroying my kitchen? And do either of you know the password to the safe I bought last week?"

"Why would we know that?"

"We're looking for Bellatrix."

"Well, you won't find her in there." Sirius had Alecto drop the loose floorboard she was holding. "Didn't anyone check Kreacher's cupboard? She came in here a few days ago saying she'd eloped with Kreacher and has been living in his cupboard since then."

X

Meanwhile, Hermione had already figured this out and was trying to talk some sense into her best friend.

"Okay, so you eloped with a house-elf. Do you feel any better now that you've done that?" Hermione felt like a therapist.

"No, I'm cold and I'm tired and I'm hungry and I want to go home."

"Then let's go!"

"We can't."

"Well, why not?"

"We just can't, Hermione. The goblins."

Hermione knew from Harry that Sirius sprayed goblin spray every summer, so there wouldn't be any this soon. "What goblins?"

"The goblins that want to take over my mind in exchange for cat hair."

"Well, where are the goblins coming from?" asked Hermione, feeling like she was talking to a three-year-old.

"The Ministry." Bellatrix whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" asked Hermione, who now really felt like she was talking to a three-year-old.

"The half-bloods. They don't deserve to hear my words."

"Well, I happen to know that the Dark Lord will gladly get rid of the goblins and the half-bloods." Hermione knew nothing of the kind, but this was her first-ever mission as a Death Eater and she couldn't afford to mess it up.

She probably should have just said that in the beginning, because thirty seconds later she was rounding up the other Death Eaters and Side-Along Apparating back to headquarters.

X

That night, after Harry had bought a hat from a mail-order hat catalog, Yaxley had watched cartoons all day, Ron had read Neville a bedtime story, and the Death Eaters (except Hermione, who was in the shower) had been tortured for no reason whatsoever, Voldemort was interrupted from his meditating by a sharp knock at the door.

"Who are you? Please state your first name, date of birth, blood type, blood status, shoe size, favorite wizarding song, favorite Muggle song, middle name, eye color, and enclose a color photograph of yourself taken in the last six months."

"Well, my first name is Bellatrix-"

That was all the Dark Lord needed to know. "No, Bella, we are not going to snuggle!"


	19. Rodolphus Gets Even

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yaxley forgets to send his letter to Harry, the Death Eaters learn about turtle meditation, and Rodolphus has his revenge on Hermione.

Shortly after the winter holidays, Harry received a letter from Yaxley. Seeing as it was written on Christmas paper, Harry figured it was supposed to be sent earlier, but Yaxley forgot about it. He thought this was rude. Harry sent Yaxley his gift three days in advance.

Dear Harry,

Happy Christmas, dear boy! Please find enclosed your gift. I hope you like it, because I had to miss a meeting and the Dark Lord tortured me for forty-five minutes.

I got your gift. How did you know I liked beef jerky? And thank you for getting me the hat. I'll go put it on the Dark Lord when he's not angry anymore.

I don't know what you look like, but I'm sure you're flattered your cousin likes to mimic you.

You know that guy named Aberforth? At the Hog's Head? He wouldn't lend me any goat polish, so I had to Vanish his kneecaps.

I think the Dark Lord is in love. He told Bellatrix she doesn't have to pay taxes anymore. I don't know if I want to let them know I approve or sabotage them.

Lucius wants me to read to him, so I'd better go before he starts crying and saying I'm a big meanie. Bye!

Your Yaxleyness Yaxley.

PS: I meant to send this earlier, but I forgot about it.

Harry made a mental note to announce the Lucius news to the entire school the next time Draco was mean to him.

Ron was away with Lavender, Neville had gotten a new set of friends that didn't write to Death Eaters, Ginny was off playing croquet, and Luna was trying to bribe Snape to give her an Acceptable on her latest essay, so Harry was alone. He decided to just mud-wrestle with Dean Thomas.

X

Meanwhile, Voldemort had called a meeting to decide which Death Eater got to kill the Muggle standing outside. When he'd asked, everyone other than Hermione had raised their hands.

"And why do each of you feel you should get to do this deed?" asked the darkest wizard of all time.

"I exist only to eradicate Muggles, my Lord." said Yaxley. He felt he existed only to eat barbecued chicken, but the Dark Lord didn't need to know that.

"I just got my hair done." said Lucius, more to the other Death Eaters than their leader. Hermione made herself a mental note to cut his hair and blame it on Santa Claus. She was originally going to blame it on Narcissa, but she'd started baking Hermione cookies every week, so she changed her plans.

Voldemort thought about them both. "Anyone else?"

"Ooh! Me! Me! Me!" shouted Bellatrix, jumping into the air and waving her hands in the air like she was in kindergarten and wanted to go first at show-and-tell.

"Why do you feel that I should choose you?" Voldemort said calmly.

"Because, well, sometimes when I'm alone I close my eyes and pretend I'm a turtle." Hermione, who had walked in on this more than once, looked at her best friend as though she were insane.

Voldemort, who had also walked in on this, sighed deeply. "Go ahead. But take Granger with you."

While the other Death Eaters helped Voldemort come up with a new anti-Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born poster for his bedroom wall, Hermione and Bellatrix walked down the stairs to go end the life of that Muggle. Well, Hermione walked. Bellatrix slid down the banister, which the Malfoys never let her do.

Once they got outside, Bellatrix cast a silent Killing Curse and the Muggle was gone. "Well, shall we go back indoors then?" asked Hermione.

"NO!" shouted Bellatrix. Startled birds fled, and bunnies and Weasleys returned to their burrows.

"Why not?" For the second time in a month, Hermione felt like she was Bellatrix's therapist. Maybe the Dark Lord had only branded her with his mark so he wouldn't have to get her one.

Bellatrix gave Hermione a look that made her feel she was staring into her soul. "Will you always be my best friend?"

"I'll always be your best friend." said Hermione.

On that note, Bellatrix jumped onto Hermione's back and insisted she give her a piggyback ride. Hermione just sighed and wondered how she was ever going to get up the stairs.

Later, after Hermione had convinced Bellatrix to let Dolohov pull her up the stairs in a toboggan, and Voldemort had given Hermione three graham crackers and Bellatrix five minutes of snuggling, the two were sitting in a living room Hermione had never seen before playing a cross between Pictionary and Quidditch. Bellatrix was winning for most of the game, but when Hermione finally pulled ahead, Rodolphus popped out of absolutely nowhere into the room and shouted, "Stupefy!" at her.

Bellatrix, who had sworn never to talk to Rodolphus again, ran out of the room to talk the Dark Lord into letting her push a handful of blood-traitors out the window. When she was gone, Rodolphus placed a sticky note onto Hermione's forehead saying, "Now we're even."


	20. Drama and Muggle Garbage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry sulks and tries to take over the world, and Bellatrix gets an anatomy lesson.

It was two months before Ron could convince Harry to quit sulking about Yaxley's rudeness and reply to him. He and a burly seventh-year boy had to drag Harry into the common room kicking and screaming, force a quill into his hand, and put some parchment in front of him in order to make him write to Yaxley.

"I don't want to write to Yaxley!" whined Harry, trying to hand the quill back to Ron, who refused to take it.

"Quit being so dramatic, Harry! Yaxley takes time out of his busy life to write to you and you can't even respond?" demanded Ron.

"He forgot about it!"

"But he sent you a lovely letter and a nice gift, remember? Now pick up that quill and get writing!"

Harry finally gave up. He couldn't stay mad at Yaxley. So he wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

I was angry at you for forgetting the gift, but I think I'm over it now.

Have you ever snuck out of Hogwarts to do cartwheels down a Muggle street? If you haven't, you really should, as it is very fun.

I tried to take over the world, but all I've taken over so far is the Hufflepuff common room. The Hufflepuffs asked me to be their leader, but I don't start until tomorrow because I was having a staring contest with a potato.

I was talking to Ginny the other day and she wants to know what death tastes like.

Also, I really want to tie up Snape and give him to the werewolves as a peace offering, but he keeps ripping up my notes asking him to join me in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Please always sign off to me with "Your Yaxleyness" from now on.

Sincerely,

Harry "Elbows" Potter.

PS: I elbowed a third-year yesterday and now everyone is calling me Elbows. Who knows why?

"Was that so hard?" Ron asked, when Harry had finished sending Hedwig off with Yaxley's letter.

Harry sighed, "No, it wasn't. Fancy a game of chess?"

"Can't, Harry, I said I'd go to Lavender's violin recital in the Transfiguration room. Want to come?"

"No thanks." He couldn't quite explain it, but his shoes always felt too big when he was in the same room as Lavender. Harry had lived with this feeling for far too long, thanks to the Dursleys.

Ron shrugged. "Suit yourself."

While Ron left for the recital, Harry decided to knit Yaxley some slippers. He thought his feet might be cold.

x

"Meeting adjourned."

The Death Eaters all got up and left the room before the Dark Lord could decide to kill them. Hermione shuffled along, wishing she were in bed with her teddy bear like she usually was at five in the morning. She could usually tolerate the meetings when her best friend was there, but Bellatrix was in time-out for asking the Dark Lord to sing her a song and then crying when he said no.

As Hermione was leaving, Voldemort took her by the shoulders and threw her up against the wall. For a moment she was terrified. Then he said, "Go inform Bellatrix that she may remove herself from time-out and make me a sandwich."

"Yes...my Lord." Hermione nearly forgot to add it on.

When she left the room, Hermione found Bellatrix standing in the corner, staring at the wall, and humming "Odo the Hero" to herself while picturing Voldemort in a speedo. It was odd, but it was the only way she could get through her time-outs.

"You can come out now." said Hermione. "And the Dark Lord wants you to make him a sandwich."

Bellatrix began making her way down the hall, but suddenly stopped. "Will you come with me?"

Hermione had been planning to try to give her Patronus a bath, but agreed to accompany Bellatrix to the kitchen.

When they got there, Hermione put her head down on the table and pretended to be awake while Bellatrix assembled the sandwich with her wand. She could have done it the Muggle way, but that would have involved Bellatrix performing Muggle activities, which Bellatrix did not do.

"Finished?" asked Hermione, trying and failing to pretend she had been awake for the last ten minutes.

"I am. Hermione?"

"Yes."

"Can we go do something?"

"What do you mean by something?" asked Hermione. She was beginning to get worried. Bellatrix wanting to go do something often ended in bloodshed, Wormtail falling down the stairs, or Lucius demanding to know who painted his bedroom magenta.

"I don't know. But I've been indoors for the last three days and it's like being back in Azkaban." Bellatrix shuddered as she remembered what the dementors made her think about.

"I could take you to a Muggle art museum," suggested Hermione. "My parents and I have free passes, and I think we're allowed to bring guests."

"Why would I want to look at framed pictures of Muggle garbage?" Bellatrix said, clearly taken aback. "What if I brushed up against a Muggle? I might have to burn my dress!"

"That's a little dramatic," said Hermione. "Maybe we could..."

"Kill a Muggle? House-elf? Random passerby?" Bellatrix bounced around the kitchen at the thought of doing these things, but Hermione caught her and deposited her into a chair.

"Any other ideas?" When Bellatrix shook her head and showed signs of wanting to close her eyes and pretend she was a turtle, Hermione came up with something...

"These are your sinuses," explained Hermione. In lieu of going somewhere, Hermione had decided to give Bellatrix an impromptu and slightly scattered anatomy lesson. "And this is how blood flows to your brain."

Ordinarily Bellatrix liked blood, but she didn't particularly care for thinking about her own. "Hermione, I don't want blood to flow to my brain!"

"Bellatrix, if blood didn't flow to your brain, you would die."

The last thing Hermione expected was for her best friend to burst into tears and insist that, "Regulus told her not to die." It's just another normal day, Hermione thought to herself, as she tried to get Bellatrix to stop crying uncontrollably. Well, as normal as a day can be when your best friend is Bellatrix Lestrange.


	21. Turtle Meditation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is turtle meditation, need we say more?

Harry had not been expecting Yaxley to write back so soon, so it came as a surprise to him when an envelope plopped into his lap. At first, it looked a bit like those papers Muggles got in the mail that they called "bills". But when Harry tore it open, he was pleased to see a letter from his penpal. He always felt better when he had a letter from Yaxley. It said:

Dear Harry "Elbows" Potter,

I like your new nickname. I'm proud of you for elbowing a third-year. I only managed a couple of second-years when I was in school.

I'm glad you're not angry at me anymore. When you didn't write to me, I cried until Travers called me a baby.

Unfortunately, I can't get into Hogwarts to sneak out and do cartwheels. You make it sound so easy, but with all this "anti-Death Eater security" going on, I was turned away at the entrance. Three times.

I've never eaten death before. Bellatrix might have, though. I'll go ask her when I'm done writing this.

Also, you're doing it all wrong. Don't start with the Hufflepuffs. Start with the Ravenclaws. Once you have them on your side, you can do anything. Got it?

I'm hungry. I'd better go see what is for dinner. I hope it's chicken pot pie. I haven't had one since I was a little boy.

Mostly sincerely, Your Yaxleyness

P.S.: I can't be entirely sincere, as I'm too hungry.

Harry only hoped Yaxley could have something to eat, and soon. He worried his penpal wasn't getting enough.

"For the last time," said Ron. Harry hadn't even seen him. "you don't have to write to Yaxley. Umbridge is gone now. And I'm a bit unnerved by it."

"Why?" Harry asked. "You don't have to write to Yaxley. You don't even have to know who Yaxley is."

"Because, Harry, you haven't been quite right since you started writing to him. You've been...off somehow."

"How?" Harry spat back. He didn't mean to say it like that. It kind of just happened.

"I'm not really sure." said Ron. He seemed to be backing down, and said nothing to Harry for the rest of the evening.

Partly to take his mind off things and partly because he had a Potions essay to write, Harry took out some parchment. He meant to start on the essay, but instead wound up writing back to Yaxley. He couldn't help it. Harry liked writing to Yaxley. He began:

To my Yaxleyness,

Is that how I refer to you if you call yourself "Your Yaxleyness" Do I capitalize the "my"? I'm confused and I would like it if you specified.

It's easy to elbow a third-year. Just do it when they least expect it.

You don't need to sneak into Hogwarts. I only said that because I'm in here. You can just do the cartwheels.

If you're going to talk to Bellatrix, tell her I don't like her because she made Hermione change sides and only I can do that.

I'm sorry you're hungry, but I'm also not sorry because it has been more than a year and I still don't have my monkey. You can't promise someone a monkey and not give them a monkey. That's just bad manners.

If you promise never to forget to sign off with "Your Yaxleyness" I will draw on Dudley with lipstick again this summer.

Love, Harry.

Harry wasn't sure why he had written "Love, Harry", but he was too tired to cross it out. He dropped the letter into an envelope, sent it away with Hedwig, and went upstairs. If he hurried, he would have time to sneak into the kitchens and steal a plate of carrots. Maybe Yaxley wanted carrots. Harry went to the window to summon Hedwig back, but the owl was too far away.

 

X

 

Yaxley had been so excited to receive his letter from Harry that he had squealed a bit, which had startled Dolohov and Alecto, who had been playing wizarding checkers on the floor (the difference from Muggle checkers was that the gameboard had a tendency to emit smoke during strategic moments.) Yaxley had only meant to skim through the letter for now, but one sentence jumped out at him. It was the one about Bellatrix.

Not wanting to disappoint Harry and risk making him angry again, he went to go talk to Bellatrix about why Harry didn't like her. Yaxley headed straight for her bedroom, pausing only to upright the potted plant that someone had tipped over earlier. When he reached the door, Yaxley took care to knock exactly six times. Bellatrix hated when people didn't knock exactly six times, but ever since she had bitten Yaxley for accidentally reaching seven, he had been especially careful.

All he heard was a slightly muffled, "Come in."

Instead of wondering why Bellatrix's voice was muffled, he turned the doorknob and accepted her invitation. Second later, he backed out and immediately sent for Hermione. This was her area of expertise, not his.

Hermione had been trying to see her reflection in the Quibbler, as Luna had shown her how to do, when Yaxley burst in and told her what her best friend was up to. "Are you sure it was that?" she asked him.

"I'm entirely sure." said Yaxley. "Isn't that your thing?"

"Well, yes," Hermione said. "But I'm not a qualified therapist or anything. I'm just her best friend." She took a quick peek at the note on her wall that Bellatrix had told her never to take down when she'd first joined the Death Eaters. It said, "You are my best friend now, whether you want to be or not."

"She listens to you better than to anyone else. Just do what you normally do."

Hermione couldn't argue with that. After all, she had talked Bellatrix into coming back after eloping with a house-elf. She got up and went to her best friend's room, careful to remove her socks first. Hermione knocked six times but didn't wait for an invitation. She asked, "Bellatrix, are you doing your turtle meditation or trying to communicate with Regulus?" in what she hoped was a calm and collected voice.

Silence. Then, "I'm not sure."

"How are you not sure?" asked Hermione, picking up a few articles of clothing from the floor. She had tried to explain the concept of laundry to her best friend on multiple occasions, but nothing ever came of it.

"Well," Bellatrix curled into a tighter ball, but picked up her head just enough to look at Hermione. "I meant to do my turtle meditation, but I couldn't picture myself in the water. I kept picturing myself on a farm. There were sheep there. Like Lulu. Can we go see Lulu again?"

Remembering what had happened the last time they had gone to see Lulu, Hermione said, "I offered to steal her for you. And why is your turtle meditation suddenly not working?"

"Regulus told me he liked hot chocolate." said Bellatrix. "I told him to wait until I was finished with my turtle meditation, but Regulus is very impatient when it comes to hot chocolate. Once, when he was alive, he asked me for some, and I said no, and he kicked me and tried to blame it on Kreacher."

Hermione wasn't sure what to focus on, the fact that Bellatrix thought she could actually communicate with her dead cousin or the fact that she had told her something about her past. She didn't remember Bellatrix ever telling her about her past before. She picked the former.

"Have you ever told Regulus about me?" she asked. It was a little safer to go along with it.

Bellatrix thought for a few seconds. "Once. He didn't like you because you're a Mudblood. However he liked you because you remind him of me."

"Like you?" Hermione remembered reading that in one of her letters. Even though she could now talk to Bellatrix personally, she still kept all of her letters.

"Like me."

Bellatrix decided her turtle meditation had had too many interruptions and pushed herself into a seated position. "Can I tell you about when Regulus was alive? I talked to the Dark Lord about it once, but he was sleeping and I don't think he heard me."

"That would be fascinating."

Hermione spent the rest of the afternoon listening to Bellatrix talk about Regulus, but not before getting them each a mug of hot chocolate.


	22. Yaxley's Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yaxley invites Harry for a meeting and has reason to wonder why he ever agreed to get Harry a monkey.

Even though it was summer and school was no longer in session, Harry still received a letter from Yaxley. He was glad Yaxley still wrote to him during the summer holidays.

Harry,

You don't have to capitalize the "my." You can just write "my Yaxleyness." I just capitalize the "your" because it's fun.

You know that Weasley, correct? Well, can you tell him to write to Macnair again? He thinks your friend is mad at him and now he's crying.

I went in to ask Bellatrix what death tastes like, but she was doing her "turtle meditation" and I had to bring in Hermione. She said to tell you hello, by the way, and that Bellatrix wanted to tell you something. I enclosed her sticky note.

Yesterday I fell down the steps and it made me think of you.

I wish I could write a longer letter to you, but Amycus won't stop clapping and it's annoying. I threatened to cut off his hands, but I don't think he can hear me over the sound of his clapping.

Sincerely, Your Yaxleyness

P.S.: I'd like to come see you in person. If you're interested, come to Diagon Alley at noon on the third of August.

Harry was very interested in seeing Yaxley in person. He had planned to write back later, but he wanted to give Yaxley as much time as possible to make plans.

So he wrote:

My Yaxleyness,

You said not to capitalize it, but it was the beginning of the sentence. I hope that's okay.

Ron is in hiding because he has gnomes taking over his house. He said he'd write to me when he found another address, so I'll pass it on if Macnair wants it.

Tell Hermione hello and that she should annoy you until you give me my monkey. If you weren't going to give me a monkey, you shouldn't have offered me one.

I'm glad you thought about me, even if you don't know what I look like.

You should tell Amycus that if he likes clapping so much, he should install the Clapper. Then he can clap as much as he wants.

Also, I would like to see you in person as well. Since I'll be of age soon, I might be able to Stun Aunt Petunia and bring the baby. She has blue hair right now, but it probably won't last.

Harry James "Elbows" Potter

P.S.: When we meet, I like yams.

P.P.S: I got a love letter from Alecto the other day that I think was supposed to be for Travers. I enclosed it in case you want to give it back to her.

P.P.P.S: I'm bored and hungry, but we're out of food.

After sending Hedwig away with the letter from Yaxley, Harry opened Bellatrix's sticky note. It said "Hermione says you want to know what death tastes like. It tastes like Swiss cheese."

Maybe it was a good thing Hermione had joined the dark side. She was surrounded by people who could answer such questions as what death tasted like. It was, after all, far easier than skulking about the Restricted Section in the dead of night in search of an explanation.

X

Meanwhile, Hermione had been proofreading Yaxley's letter and had happened to see that he planned to meet Harry on Diagon Alley. She couldn't get any of the other Death Eaters to keep an eye on Bellatrix while she did it, so she had to talk her into going to see him.

"I don't want to go visit a half-blood!" she complained.

"You don't have a problem with me, and I'm a Mudblood." Hermione reminded her best friend.

Bellatrix frowned. She didn't like being reminded that her best friend was a Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born. "Well, you don't complain about my turtle meditation. And you have a sheep."

"Harry is very understanding about turtle meditation," said Hermione. "And while he doesn't have a sheep, he does have access to a baby Metamorphmagus."

"Can I kill it?" asked Bellatrix. She hadn't killed anything in nearly twelve hours.

"No."

"Then I don't want to go."

Hermione had been expecting this. "Do you want me to teach you about anatomy again?"

Bellatrix remembered the last time Hermione had taught her about anatomy. "I don't want that at all."

"You can either come with me to see Harry or get another anatomy lesson."

Bellatrix sighed. "Fine. I'll go see your half-blood friend."

"Lovely!" Without warning, Hermione jumped up and hugged her best friend. "Since I'm here, do you want to help me annoy Yaxley?"

"Why?"

"Harry told me to annoy him until he sends him a monkey."

"We got him a monkey."

"And Dolohov used it as a bath pouf."

Bellatrix made a mental note to turn Dolohov into a bath pouf.

The two of them searched everywhere for Yaxley. Hermione checked his bedroom, but only found a nest of crumbs on the floor. Bellatrix looked in the bathroom, but only walked in on a very displeased Travers. They both searched under every couch they could find, but never found anything more distinctive than a smelly sock.

Finally, when Hermione was beginning to lose hope, she found Yaxley outside skipping rocks across the pavement. He seemed very engrossed in this, but turned around when he noticed Bellatrix and Hermione were there.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. It would have been more polite to say, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, ladies?" but Yaxley wasn't feeling very polite.

"Do you have any cake?" asked Bellatrix.

"No, but you could always call one of the house-elves."

"I want some cake."

"Well, I don't have any cake."

"Then get me some cake, because I want some."

Yaxley summoned a house-elf. "Floppy, get her some cake."

"I don't want that thing to get me cake. I want cake from you!"

"I'm flattered, but I have no cake."

"Did you hear that?" said Hermione. "She asked for cake. Now make it snappy."

"Will you quit annoying me, Bellatrix?"

"Not until you give Hermione's half-blood friend a monkey."

Yaxley had seen Harry's letter, but hadn't thought Harry would actually get Hermione to annoy him, or even have her best friend do it. "So that's what this is about?"

"You know, you did promise him that monkey more than a year ago," said Hermione. "It's rude to offer someone a monkey if you aren't going to give it to them."

"If I could have gotten a monkey for him, I would have!" said Yaxley, going a bit red in the face.

"You aren't going to be like that with my cake, are you?" asked Bellatrix. She hadn't actually wanted cake to begin with, but now that the idea was in her head, she strongly hoped Floppy the house-elf was actually making one.

Before Yaxley could reassure her, Floppy came back, this time holding a cake, which he set down on a small table none of them had seen before. "Will you be enjoying your cake, Miss Bellatrix and Miss Hermione?"

Even though she was now a Death Eater, Hermione still had a soft spot for house-elves. "I'm sure it will be lovely, Floppy."

He bowed to her and left.

Bellatrix and Hermione sat down at the small table and cut themselves slices of cake. Yaxley started to follow them, but was stopped by Hermione. "You have to get the monkey first. It's the polite thing to do."

"Can't I just have a little piece?"

"If you get the monkey, you can."

Turning his back on Hermione and Bellatrix, Yaxley vaguely wondered why he had ever agreed to get Harry a monkey in the first place.


	23. Meeting on Diagon Alley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry meets Yaxley, and there are visitors.

On the day Harry was to meet Yaxley, he turned Aunt Petunia into a bullfrog and removed Annika from her crib. She had decided she liked Harry and her hair turned a bright pink when she saw him.

Harry wanted to bring her, but he didn't want Yaxley to know she didn't have blue hair anymore. He compromised by putting Aunt Petunia's purple shower cap on Annika's head.

Harry went to his bedroom to put on his own clothing, but discovered Yaxley had written back to him. He decided to read the letter first because letters from Yaxley were fun.

Yaxley had written:

Dear Harry,

I'm sorry to hear about the gnomes. There used to be a good gnome-repellent, but they stopped making it in 1975.

Hermione and Bellatrix made me go look for your monkey, but all I found was a gorilla. I didn't send it because you requested a monkey, not a gorilla. And while they're similar, they aren't the same thing.

Amycus did install the Clapper like you said, but the Dark Lord got annoyed and made him get rid of it. Since then, Amycus has done nothing but cry and lick things. I didn't mind until he licked my foot.

You should tell the baby to have green hair. I like babies with green hair. I asked Lucius if I could give his baby green hair once, but he said no.

I thought about writing a longer letter to you, but then I won't have time to eat an entire bucket of fried chicken before we meet. I'm sorry, but fried chicken is very important to me.

Entirely sincerely this time, Your Yaxleyness

P.S.: I prefer cauliflower, but I'm not going to complain because my mother makes the best yams. You should try them.

P.P.S.: I had to give the letter to Travers myself because Alecto is busy trying to stop all the licking. It's not working.

P.P.P.S: When we meet, I will bring you some food. Trying to write letters on an empty stomach is horrible, and I know your favorite part of the day is writing to me.

Harry didn't know how Yaxley knew that, but he let it go.

He considered telling Yaxley what he wanted to say when they met, but decided that Yaxley thought letters from him were fun too. So he wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

I was going to call you my Yaxleyness, but that was too much writing. Yaxley isn't long like Yaxleyness is. So I just wrote Yaxley.

I still don't know where Ron is. I hope I can find him soon, because I wanted to send him a chicken. Ron likes chickens as much as I like monkeys. Speaking of which, where is my monkey? I'm beginning to think the monkey was just a scam to get me to do things for you.

You should go get Amycus some lollipops. Then he can lick those instead. Although I guess it doesn't matter as long as he doesn't lick your foot again. That sounds unpleasant and soggy.

I told Annika three times to turn her hair green, but she just wants bright pink hair. If I didn't want her to have green hair, she would do it. Maybe she's mad that I turned her mother into a bullfrog.

Admittedly, I don't approve of the fact that you think fried chicken is more important than me. Fried chicken will always be there. But Voldemort could kill me at any time and you'll be sadly chewing your fried chicken wishing you had bonded with me more.

Best regards,

Harrison Potter

P.S.: My name isn't actually Harrison. I just pretend it is because what kind of a given name is Harry?

Having finished the letter, Harry decided to put on his clothes. He considered some swim trunks, a three-piece suit, and Aunt Petunia's best cocktail dress, but eventually decided to just wear whatever. He assumed Yaxley would be doing the same, so it didn't matter.

X

Bellatrix had changed her mind and decided she didn't want to visit Harry after all, and Hermione had to engage in several hours of begging, pleading, and promising her extra time for turtle meditation. After a while, Bellatrix eventually decided the idea of extra turtle meditation appealed to her and reluctantly went upstairs to get dressed. She'd been dressed before, but she was feeling particularly indecisive that day and had already changed her clothes three times.

After about an hour, Bellatrix came back downstairs holding something wrapped in more toilet paper than Hermione had ever seen in her life. "What's that?" she asked her best friend.

"It's a gift for your little half-blood friend," replied Bellatrix.

Hermione could only wonder where that was going. Most gifts Bellatrix gave to half-bloods were poisoned, alive, or covered in an unidentifiable red substance. But as the package seemed to be neither wet nor moving, she dropped the matter and Apparated the pair to Diagon Alley.

X

Yaxley was sitting at a small table next to where Ollivander's was before some of his fellow Death Eaters had taken the wandmaker away. A Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born passed him, and he ordered a strawberry milkshake. He was very dismayed to learn that the aforementioned Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born had no strawberry milkshakes, and proceeded to chase her down Knockturn Alley.

When Yaxley returned to his seat, he discovered that someone had taken the chair he had previously occupied. He yelled, "Hey, you! What are you doing in my seat?"

"I'm just waiting for someone," said the person who had been occupying his space. "I'll leave as soon as I see them."

"Who are you waiting for?" Ordinarily, Yaxley didn't ask such questions of people who did things like that to him, but he thought he could use it to pass the time until Harry showed up.

"My penpal. He said we'd be meeting in person today. He goes by Yaxley."

Yaxley didn't want to admit that he was Yaxley, and that he'd just unnecessarily shouted at Harry, but he had no choice and did just that.

Harry didn't seem to mind. He simply informed Yaxley that he would have a letter to look forward to when he got home.

"Wait a minute," said Yaxley, depositing the food he'd promised Harry on the table. "Where's that baby you said you'd bring?"

"Down here." Harry retrieved Annika from where she'd crawled under his seat and unexpectedly deposited her on Yaxley's lap. "That's Yaxley, Annika. He writes me letters and promises me monkeys I never get."

"Harry, if I could get you that monkey, I would have sent it to you by now. But every time I try, something always comes up." As Yaxley said this, Annika decided she liked him too, and her hair turned purple under her shower cap.

"You said you got me one once."

"Which Dolohov used as a bath pouf. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want someone else's used bath pouf as a pet."

Harry didn't want Yaxley to know how hurt he was by the fact that Yaxley didn't care enough to bring him a monkey, but he wanted to do something about it. He was debating what to do about that when he caught a glimpse of Hermione.

"There they are," she said, dragging someone over who Harry and Yaxley recognized as Bellatrix. Hermione didn't comment on the large wad of toilet paper her best friend was holding, so neither of them mentioned it.

"What brings you here to our humble little gathering?" asked Yaxley.

"I wanted to say hello to Harry," said Hermione. She turned to him. "I wrote to you a while ago! Why didn't you write back?"

Harry didn't want Hermione to know he'd misplaced her letter, so he told her Hogwarts had been especially demanding that year. It wasn't even a lie, he decided, remembering the three feet of parchment he'd had to write for Potions on more than one occasion.

Luckily, Hermione bought it and changed the subject, much to Harry's relief. "Bellatrix, why don't you give Harry your gift?"

"I decided I don't give gifts to half-bloods," said Bellatrix. "And if I find out you lied about that turtle meditation just to drag me here..."

"Turtle meditation?" Harry interrupted. "What's turtle meditation?"

"YOU SAID HE WAS UNDERSTANDING!"

"I didn't say he knew about it. I just said he would understand if he knew about it."

Before Hermione could do anything else, Bellatrix had already rolled into a ball. "That's what turtle meditation is," said Hermione. "Bellatrix finds it relaxing."

"I find it disturbing." Yaxley muttered.

Hermione glared at him. She had decided no one was allowed to insult Bellatrix's turtle meditation except her. And she never did it because she didn't want to lose her best friend.

For a short while, Harry caught Hermione up on his life since he had last seen her in person. That had been in his fifth year, and he was going into his seventh, so that took a while. After that, Hermione explained some of the day-to-day happenings of the Death Eaters to him, which Yaxley was glad to help her with.

Yaxley was just describing the look on Travers's face when he showed him the love letter from Alecto when Bellatrix straightened and, noticing there was nowhere else to sit, sat on the table and nearly placed her elbow in a butter dish Yaxley had placed there.

"How was your turtle meditation?" asked Hermione.

"It was fine. Although towards the end I started feeling like I might be close to communicating with Regulus, and I just talked to him yesterday, so I decided to stop and hang out with you."

Everyone decided it would be best not to comment on the Regulus communication.

Since there was already food on the table, and everyone there was rather hungry, they decided to eat. Yaxley had brought the food he promised, but Harry had brought some whipped cream to go with it. He felt like every meal was better with whipped cream.

Compared to the rest of the day's events, the meal was largely uneventful.

After everyone had eaten more food than they cared to admit, Yaxley, who was beginning to worry he wouldn't have time for his evening yoga, decided it was time for everyone to go home.

"Would we be able to meet in person again sometime?" asked Harry. He liked writing to Yaxley, but it was fun to talk to him as well.

"After I get you your monkey," said Yaxley. "Which I actually plan on doing, and would have a while ago if things didn't keep happening."

"You know he's not actually going to do that, right?" said Hermione, as she stopped Bellatrix from wandering off for the third time since they had gotten up.

"If you weren't actually going to get me a monkey, you should have just said so," said Harry. "If you promise someone a monkey, and you change your mind, at least be honest about it."

Yaxley couldn't think of a response to that. He did want to get Harry a monkey, but he didn't know how to obtain one and keep it long enough to send it to his penpal.

"Do I still have to give your half-blood friend his gift?" Bellatrix asked, holding up the large wad of toilet paper.

"You already brought it here. You might as well just give it to him." Hermione answered.

Reluctantly, Bellatrix handed Harry the wad. At first, he wondered why she would give him a large wad of toilet paper, but discovered that inside was a ham sandwich. He preferred turkey, but decided not to tell Bellatrix that. "Thank you for the ham sandwich, Bellatrix. They're my favorite."

Bellatrix made a mental note not to bring Harry a ham sandwich ever again. Perhaps next time she would bring him turkey. He didn't seem like the type to enjoy a turkey sandwich.

After she and Hermione had left, Harry turned to Yaxley and removed Annika from his lap. He said, "I don't want to complain, Yaxley, but I'm more important than fried chicken."

And he Disapparated.


End file.
